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Monday, January 31, 2011

Music for the Soul


Sondre Lerche


The Perishers


Explosions in the Sky

                                                              
                                                                  Kings of Convenience

                                                                  
                                                                         Elliott Smith

                                                                  Robert Schumann
(I am so excited to see Mitsuko Uchida play Schumann's Piano Concerto next week - One day I too will master this piece by my favourite composer of all time)

And of course, where would this list be without Jack Johnson?

Friday, January 28, 2011

About grandpa...

So the last post got me thinking about my beloved grandpa and the extraordinary life he has had. My mother has always said he is a great man in every sense of the word - intelligent, compassionate, responsible, but most of all resilient. In his 79 years he has been through more trials and tribulations than I could imagine, and his story has been an inspiration to me for so many years. Grandpa, here, I will attempt to tell your life story. I know you will always be a source of strength for me in the many years to come.


My grandpa was born in 1932 in a small village on the outskirts of Yancheng, in the northern part of China's Jiangsu province. His family, the Yin clan, were descended from China's first prime minister - a great statesman who lived thousands of years ago. Grandpa came from a family of scholars, but by his father's generation, they were living in extreme poverty and had to make their livelihood through farming. My great grandfather was a school teacher and one of the most educated men in the village, but he could only afford to send the eldest son to school. Grandpa, who was the second child, was denied an education and woke at the crack of dawn to work in the rice fields. Perhaps he would have simply become one of China's nine hundred million farmers, but everything changed when the Japanese invaded.

The Japanese invasion has a devastating effect on China, but particularly on Jiangsu province. It's capital, Nanjing, was ravaged after a massacre which left three hundred thousand corpses on it's ancient streets. Grandpa's village was not spared. The family lost everything and became refugees. My great grandmother would not eat for days in order to save food for her husband and children, and the family lived in constant fear of death as the Japanese occupied surrounding areas.

At age eleven, Grandpa decided he had to do something. He joined the local anti-Japanese resistance movement and began risking his life to help the Chinese forces. He would stand at the village gate, be on the lookout for any signs of the enemy, and alert the guerillas if anything was abnormal. The guerillas, under the leadership of the communists, eventually sent him to school. It was here that he received a high school education. After the war was won against the Japanese, Grandpa worked in the communist party's intelligence department as a code breaker. By this time, he was a firm believer in Mao and communism. The party had given him an education, built schools in the area, and defeated the Japanese. Despite Mao's later wrongdoings, Grandpa remains grateful to him, even today.

Grqndpa's talents were soon noticed by his superiors. Not only was he extremely a brilliant code breaker, he also possessed sharp writing skills. It was decided then that he would be transferred to Beijing to be trained as a journalist for the newly established national news agency. In Beijing, Grandpa began a career in journalism spanning 45 years. In 1957 he married my grandmother, a former classmate, and raised my mother and aunt in a tiny two bedroom apartment in the Haidian district. Although his salary was meagre, Grandpa was determined to send every single on of his five younger siblings to school. Each month, the family lived on pickled vegetables and rice while Grandpa sent 70% of his salary back home to his sisters for their school fees. Thanks to his dedication, his sisters are all professors in prestigious universities today.

When the cultural revolution hit, the family was thrown into chaos. Grandpa and grandma were intellectuals and therefore suffered tremendously in the new system where books were spit upon. Grandma lost her job as an editor and was sent to the countryside for "reeducation", where she toiled in the fields. Grandpa was thrown into jail. Their two young children were left alone in Beijing. Although grandma would soon return, grandpa was imprisoned for over three years, during which time he wrote weekly letters to my mother and aunt encouraging them to live life with hope and happiness. My mother often says she cannot imagine a better father than her own.

1978 came, and finally Grandpa was reinstated. He returned to work with the same enthusiasm and dedication. As a foreign correspondent he was one of the first people to visit the west after the revolution ended.To this day he would tell me stories of his time in France, Congo, Indonesia, and various other places. In 1994 he retired with honors and spent most of his time with his only grandchild, me. Teaching me everything he knew and loved, Grandpa taught me to recite poems and write calligraphy, fly kites and play chess.

These days, Grandpa's love for chess has reached new heights. He travels around the country to attend senior chess competitions, frequently winning and bringing home weird and wonderful prizes ranging from a rice cooker to a large duck. Grandpa gave me the rice cooker, so I could "still be Chinese in America", and set the duck free.

This concludes his story. It may seem ordinary, but his life has been intrinsically linked to the tides of Chinese history. Knowing the sacrifices he had made to bring the family where we are today, sometimes I feel like one thought motivates me through life more than any other - to make my grandpa proud.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Not again, no, no, no

Time: 10.25pm
Place: Regenstein Library
Mood: utterly unmotivated, tired, stressed out but finding myself unable to open the textbook sitting 5 centimetres from me.

This is all too familiar, this dreadful lack of spirit. I thought I had conquered it, but apparently some demons of the mind are more resilient than one thinks.

The events of the past two weeks have literally drained me. So much for getting through winter quarter normally this year - I feel like I'm on a bullet train to depression-ville. No matter how hard I try, the old problems keep coming back, like the fucking plague. Even if I put in my all, it's just not good enough. It will never be good enough.

Yes, I feel ashamed. Academics, school, and internships affect me too much. Yes, it literally hurts me when you give me a B- on a paper I actually liked. After being told time and time again, "Kathy, you are a beautiful writer, but your writing style isn't what UChicago is looking for," and trying so hard to change myself to please various TAs and professors, I thought I finally got it. Before this, I was actually getting good grades. It was beginning to look like my hard work was paying off. I found professors who actually appreciated me, and thought I had a A-grade BA thesis in me somewhere. But no, apparently that was too much to expect, obviously an upward trend doesn't exist in this school.

I think I finally figured it out. I know that math and science, econ, are not things I'm naturally good at. But I have always known I am a good writer. For 18 years people, newspapers, prizes, affirmed and reaffirmed this fact. The past two years I struggled with redefining my self worth so much that I naively thought that now, by my 3rd year, I have reconciled these problems. I was wrong. One set-back, and my world still comes crashing down. I will get infinitely more upset about a bad paper then a bombed econ midterm, because it is like UChicago is trying to take the last bit of self-esteem away from me. To think there was a time when I thought I was the shit...how hilarious is that.

My heart tells me the best thing for me right now is take the summer off and find my passion and drive once again. I had goals, dreams, and aspirations for who I want to be, and they are still there. I am still convinced that there is nothing else I'd rather be doing than work in economic development. I just need to be willing to sacrifice more and more to get there. So what if I'm too idealistic. Somebody has to do the job, if "making the world a better place is a stupid concept, then I am happy to dedicate my career to this stupid cause.

I can tell Grandpa is worried for me. I like to think that nobody in the world knows me better than him. My most treasured memories of childhood involve flying kites, playing chess, writing calligraphy, reciting ancient poems, listening to stories of revolution, watching red army serials after dinner, eating distinctly Jiangsu style food, all with Grandpa. When I'm home for the holidays and tell various relatives and family friends how happy I am at school and put on a happy-go-lucky face, Grandpa looks into my eyes and knows exactly how I really feel. In his own quiet way he's there for me in the most difficult times. Emails containing my favorite poems by 辛弃疾 and 苏轼, quotes from 鲁迅, his new paintings, never fail to cheer me up. Before boarding the plane four weeks ago, he pulled me aside and said, "Yezi, it's all a matter of mentality." He's absolutely right. What is life but one hurdle after another?

Grandpa, thank you for understanding me like no other person in the world.

I miss you, so so much. Don't worry for me, I know I can get through this. =)

Monday, January 24, 2011

The Beauty of Simplicity


Happiness is so simple, yet sometimes so elusive. These images make me happy and remind me once again how beautiful life is.




Sunday, January 23, 2011

燕雀安知鸿鹄之志哉!

这颗心怎样也平静不下来。这样活,更确切的说是生活在这种环境里,没有意思。

这一段时间,我天天在反省,天天在琢磨,究竟为什么总是感到格格不入。现在,答案总算有了。我不是一棵会被狂风吹的东倒西歪的树苗,我的枝茎早已茁壮。不必强迫自己改变,只须学会忍耐现实中繁琐的小事。

三年前占据我全部思想的那种坚定和勇气,今天终于找回来了。久违了,自信和志向,欢迎你们回到我身边。


子曰:勇者不惧,智者不惑。

坚持吧。

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Friday, January 7, 2011

I don't believe in God but...

Please please make my USB drive come back to me!